Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
