I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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