okay pat passed out under dana's car
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
