There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
