I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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