Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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