I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
