I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I forget how to act sober
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
