I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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