who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
