You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
