This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
