my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
