i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
