Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
