i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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