This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
