Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
