his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
