I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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