Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Panties = found
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
