When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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