Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
