Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
