Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
