Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
