Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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