Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
