I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
