I heard we made out
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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