I must be too annoying 4 u.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
