____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
