Do you still have your period?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
