a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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