Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
this is an emotional support booty call
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
