I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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