did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
