omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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