why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
