So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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