the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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