my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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