his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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