Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
