You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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