he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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