Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
