I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
