Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
