oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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