Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
