She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
